A Life Story

Edward B. , Student

Years ago in a far away land there lived a young boy with a grave problem.  Though he was well liked by his village and praised for his talents and charm, he did not love himself.  He carved a smile into his face and pretended to be happy, fooling many but he knew and the Great Spirit knew and the self hatred remained.

Days became months and months became years and the boy grew up, at least physically.  As his spirit grew sicker and weaker, it was twice as hard to fool his friends and family into thinking everything was okay.

One day, he gave up and left the village, running away to a dark and well hidden cave.  He rolled a huge rock in front of the entrance to the cave so that even if someone found him, they would not be able to reach him.  At first he cried and mourned his utter loneliness, but soon he could feel nothing at all and the boy was left only with his self-hatred.  His misery grew and grew until it filled the cave and pressed down on him like a mountain of lead.

Then, one especially dark day, the boy’s mother and father arrived at the cave’s entrance and begged him to come out. “Son, we love you and want you to get better” they cried, but the boy did not want to get better. “Son, we love you and want you to be happy” they yelled, but the boy was convinced that he did not deserve happiness. The third time they called on the Great Spirit and bellowed, “Son we love you so much that we will not allow you to stay here in this cave” and they tore the rock away with a miraculous strength.

Seeing the boy pale and trembling in the darkness, they were filled with compassion but also with determination.  They picked up his weak, atrophied body and carried it far away to the land of Utah, where they heard that healing could be found.The boy’s parents left him in a home on the edge of the wilderness and returned to their village.

For a week, the boy who hated himself remained in the home, meeting many people and listening to their stories.  The similarities between them surprised him and gave him hope, but still, he could not love himself. On the seventh day, the boy left his new acquaintances and went out into the wilderness.  A new group awaited him out in the desert, but despite their welcome, he could feel his spirit retreating to the cave.That night, he lay shivering and miserable.  Cursing the world and dreaming of the day he could run back to his cave.Days went by and the boy gradually became more comfortable.  He made friends with the group by learning to help them, and they looked up to him and praised his efforts, but still, he could not love himself.

Then, one especially cold and windy night when clouds threatened to explode with snow and hid the stars behind them, and the group huddled around the campfire.“You have given us help and advice,” they said to the boy, “now let us help you.  Tell us what it is that makes you so unhappy that you would live alone in a cave.” The boy knew deep down what it was that had troubled him, that had forced him to wrap his heart in chains and concrete and barricade himself in the cave, and would not answer, but the group was not fazed.  “Tell us what it is that makes you so unhappy that you would live alone in a cave,” they repeated. The chains and concrete and spiked wire that encased the boy’s heart strained and rattled trembled and quaked but they were strong and engrained after many years.  The boy nearly vomited out his pain, but he stifled the gags. The third time the group turned to him with fire in their eyes and pleaded, “Tell us what it is that would tear you up inside so terribly that you would leave your village and hide in a cave.” At that moment the Great Spirit blew through their campsite and the secret, the truth that had enslaved his heart, corroded his spirit and frozen his mind burst out of the boy’s mouth.  The secret stood trembling and slimy before them, its pale eyes filled with fear as another gust of wind whooshed by, blasting the demon into a million tiny pieces and scattering them across the canyons. The group stared at the boy and the boy stared back at them and nothing needed to be said because everyone knew that the boy’s life had been changed forever.

Days passed and the boy had never felt so light.  He laughed and joked and played until his cheeks hurt from smiling and his stomach hurt from laughing.  For the first that he could remember, the boy liked himself, but something was still missing. Two weeks went by and the nagging of the missing piece increased.  As much as he wished it weren’t true, the boy knew the problem was that he still didn’t love himself. Coming to that conclusion, the boy realized that he would have to leave the group for a while as the demon that remained inside of him was his alone to face.  So he gathered up all of the courage he could and went up to the top of a mountain for a few days.

Alone on the mountaintop, he cried out to the Great Spirit, “I have come here to try to learn to love myself, am I okay, am I loved?”
His voice carried on the wind, but there was no reply.  Rain clouds rolled ominously in the distance and the temperature dropped as the sun sank lower in the sky.  For the rest of the afternoon and well into the night the boy sat waiting for an answer, but none came.

The next morning a light snow fell and the boy cried out again, “am I okay, am I loved?”  A few more snowflakes fell and the clouds drifted on, but still there was no answer.That night, the boy was overwhelmed with hunger and feeling distraught that no answer had come.  He lay on his back and watched the sky change from deep dark to black.  Stars appeared one by one until the whole sky was blazing with their light.  He drifted off to sleep, angry that no answer had come.

After midnight he awoke to a loud “THUD” and looked around nervously, but the moon had set and the mountain was awash in inky black darkness save for the stars above.  The cool breeze quickly turned into a small gale and the “THUD” noise grew louder.  Something was approaching, something big. “Save me, Great Spirit” the boy cried desperately, but the wind only howled louder.
Then he saw it.  Two eyes burned fiery red, and scaly skin glistened in the starlight.  As the demon let out a menacing roar, the boy could see its fangs and he trembled with fear. The boy had no weapon and was no match for the demon so again he cried out to the Great Spirit for help, and again the wind was his only answer. He had almost resigned himself to die when; suddenly he realized what he had to do.The boy gathered his courage, stood as tall as he could, and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Demon, you have no business here anymore! No longer can you feed on my secrets, I’ve let them go! No longer can you drink from my self hatred, I’ve let it go!  You no longer have any authority over me at all.” And with that, the wind became like a hurricane and the Demon let out a mighty and fearsome roar.  Its eyes were practically on fire and smoke billowed from its mouth but the wind blew harder and faster until the Demon began to stumble backwards.  The boy stood his ground as hell broke loose around him and, with a final roar, the Demon was blown away off the mountain, across the canyon, over the mesas, and beyond the prairies until it was less than a speck on the horizon.

Exhausted, the boy fell to his knees and let the wind whistle around him.  It was at that moment he knew the Great Spirit had been with him the entire time and with a rush of warm gratitude he could feel the answers to his questions fill his heart and he knew that he was loved and that he was okay.

From that day forth, the boy was much more aptly labeled a man and he lived with a confidence and compassion that was greatly admired, but most importantly of all, he had learned to love himself.