interviews with passages to recovery alumni

Jessica H.

Two weeks before her 21st birthday, Jessica H. faced an ultimatum that would alter the course of her life. The bright, athletic young woman's out of control drug and alcohol abuse had cost her a chance at a basketball scholarship to the University of California, Santa Barbara. She dropped out of school and lost one job after another. To complicate matters, living the high life of drinking and drugging meant she had accumulated a small fortune in credit card debt. When her parents offered to pay off her bills in exchange for signing up for an experiential treatment program in the Utah wilderness, Jessica knew this was an offer she couldn't refuse.

"I was heavily into drugs and alcohol, but I just thought I was having fun," says Jessica who had started to hang out with friends who associated drug and alcohol abuse with a good time. When the offer for help came, she decided she could ditch cocaine but had little intention of giving up a lifestyle of drinking and smoking marijuana. She even justified her time away at Passages to Recovery as a retreat. "I told my friends I was going on a hike with Native Americans. I was just this free spirit going on a hike," she says, but she ultimately came to realize. "I was living a lie."

Raised on the East Coast near the Appalachian Trail, Jessica grew up hiking and camping, so the idea of spending weeks in the wilderness didn't sound all that intimidating. If cooking her own food and foraging for food wasn't new to her, being alone to face pain from her past and fears over her future certainly was. "If I had gone anywhere else I don't think it would have worked," she admits. "Passages was a complete spiritual journey. I had never experienced anything like that in my entire life."

"Everything in nature is so alive, you can't help but connect to something greater than yourself," says Jessica who had plenty of time for soul searching during her 42-day experience. She started to recognize herself again, as the girl who loved the outdoors and was excited about life. And, she forged friendships for the first time in years that were based on common experiences, mutual respect and love.

"What I found out there was what I thought I was going to find doing drugs and alcohol-to be connected to other people, to be a part of a group," she explains. "I found that connection at Passages by getting to know people on a higher plane."Jessica discovered a new way to relate to her peers, and by making a deliberate change in her behavior, she was able to reach out to a mom who had always been her biggest supporter. Treatment helped her relate to the fears and frustration she had subjected her family to and started the healing process. "For the 42 days I was in the program my mom could get a good night's sleep. She hadn't slept in years because she was so scared that she'd get a call in the middle of the night that I was dead or in jail." When she saw her mom for the first time at a Passages family event, Jessica recalls, "For once I could look my mom in the eyes and know I had nothing to hide."

By letting go of pain she had held on to for years and by reaching out to a higher power, she found the strength to turn her life around. "There is a purpose to my life other than getting high. I came to the understanding that there is something out there bigger than myself and my problems, and that's what has helped me to stay sober for over 2 ½ years now."

Today, Jessica is back in school working toward a career in Elementary Education. She has no problem holding down a job and has plenty of new friends who appreciate her desire to stay sober. She views the Passages to Recovery experience as a turning point in her life. "I'm so grateful that there was a program that was so unique. It really spoke to me," she says.

Michael H.

Michael H. started drinking when he was eight years old. By 12, he was abusing drugs. And by 21, he faced serious jail time for drug- and alcohol-related charges. It took 10 days in the county jail and a concerned friend to convince him it was time to make a change. "I had been doing really mediocre in college, dropping classes and just struggling to get by. I didn't want to keep doing what I was doing," says a young man whose future hinged on seeking help.

Michael had been through a hospital-based 12-step program when he was 17 and managed to stay sober for a year and a half after treatment, but college life at Indiana University did not lend itself to abstinence. "It was really hard for me to let go of the party type lifestyle when I was back around it. I felt like I was giving up a part of my youth." He stopped going to meetings and disregarded principles that had helped him stay clean. "I quit doing the day-to-day work on myself," he says.

It was all too easy to fall back into old patterns. He began selling and using drugs and overindulging in alcohol. The downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse cost him his good standing in college and landed him in jail, but a compassionate lawyer offered Michael hope by way of Passages to Recovery. "I was fed up with the life I was living. If I was going to be successful on any level, I was going to have to give up drinking and drugging," he remembers thinking when he arrived in the Utah wilderness with a desire to make a clean break from his past.

Passages' natural setting was a powerful metaphor for a young man who had lost his faith in God and himself. "I had completely detached myself from the spiritual side of my life and had sworn off ever believing in that again," he says. The real-life recovery stories of counselors helped convince him that staying sober was an obtainable goal. "I saw where I wanted to get in my life and what I needed to do to get there, says Michael. The struggles he shared with fellow participants further strengthened his resolve.

Out on the trail, Michael was without the creature comforts he had counted on all of his life. Eating, sleeping, even staying warm and dry, depended upon him rising to the challenge. "I had had a lot given to me in my life, so I didn't have much invested. Now that I had to work for things, there was a greater sense of pride," he says.

The wilderness setting took him out of his comfort zone and forced him to take a hard look at who he was and who he wanted to be. "Passages gave me an opportunity to focus on myself," says Michael, something he had difficulty doing his first time in rehab. "In the hospital setting, you have the TV and the newspaper and you can make phone calls-all these things you can distract yourself with."Michael had to work at transforming himself from an alcoholic and drug addict to a fully functioning, healthy human being. Two years later, his work is paying off with a full-time position at Passages to Recovery where he serves as a transition center counselor. He is back in school working toward a degree in education and hopes to one day coach a high school basketball team--dreams that have come back into focus now that drugs and alcohol are out of the picture.